Self torture

These few weeks since I have not been with J have been strange. On many levels I am feeling great. Not being with him has been a huge weight off my chest. The ridiculousness of the situation caused me so much stress, that at times I wonder who I am. When asked if I am a jealous person I have always been able to say no. Me being with him and him still living with her just made my mind run wild and I can now say that YES, I do have some jealousy issues. I have done things, sneaky things that I am not proud of, to try and catch him in a lie... And worse things than that. As the time passes that feeling has abated a bit.

We still see each other a couple times a week, I go to his (their) house and hang out for an hour or so. We aren't together anymore though. This means that I'm single and FREE...But I think that a major part of myself is not ready to admit that we aren't going to be together. I really believed that we were going to be married and have children of our own. I guess I am not ready to give that dream up. I think that this is why I still go see him. He tells me that he loves me. He does not tell me that he wants to be with me. He simply says that he is focusing on work and the arrival of their child. He says he does not know if they are going to get back together. He also says he does not know if we will get back together.

Now I realize that if he loved me as much as he claims that he would be with me now and yet he's not... I see with a degree of clarity the reality of the whole situation. Yet there is a part of me that just will not let go. I dream about him and her and all the bad feelings that I have felt recently plague my mind. Night after night I revisit these feelings. The characters are always the same and the feelings... So intense. In my sleep I can feel the physical effects that are taking place in my body in response to what is going on in my head and heart. My pulse quickens, I toss and turn, I feel like my stomach is dropping out of my gut. It is not only intense but also frustrating as I seem to have no control over my thoughts while in these dreams. I guess there is a morbid curiosity to "solve" the situation and see how it all plays out. Night after night of having these dreams and every time I hear my alarm going off I almost wish myself back to sleep to see how it all ends. Thus far the outcome has been consistently ...bad.

I realize that I am fighting a losing battle. I realize that it was me who broke up with him. I realize that in this scenario it is improbable for myself to emerge victorious and yet I simply can not walk away and move on. WHY????? Why do I continue to do this to myself? I can tell you that I still believe that he wants to be with me and that he loves me. Yet I couldn't tell you why, if this in fact was the case, he isn't with me now... Or why he isn't giving me any answers.