Self torture

These few weeks since I have not been with J have been strange. On many levels I am feeling great. Not being with him has been a huge weight off my chest. The ridiculousness of the situation caused me so much stress, that at times I wonder who I am. When asked if I am a jealous person I have always been able to say no. Me being with him and him still living with her just made my mind run wild and I can now say that YES, I do have some jealousy issues. I have done things, sneaky things that I am not proud of, to try and catch him in a lie... And worse things than that. As the time passes that feeling has abated a bit.

We still see each other a couple times a week, I go to his (their) house and hang out for an hour or so. We aren't together anymore though. This means that I'm single and FREE...But I think that a major part of myself is not ready to admit that we aren't going to be together. I really believed that we were going to be married and have children of our own. I guess I am not ready to give that dream up. I think that this is why I still go see him. He tells me that he loves me. He does not tell me that he wants to be with me. He simply says that he is focusing on work and the arrival of their child. He says he does not know if they are going to get back together. He also says he does not know if we will get back together.

Now I realize that if he loved me as much as he claims that he would be with me now and yet he's not... I see with a degree of clarity the reality of the whole situation. Yet there is a part of me that just will not let go. I dream about him and her and all the bad feelings that I have felt recently plague my mind. Night after night I revisit these feelings. The characters are always the same and the feelings... So intense. In my sleep I can feel the physical effects that are taking place in my body in response to what is going on in my head and heart. My pulse quickens, I toss and turn, I feel like my stomach is dropping out of my gut. It is not only intense but also frustrating as I seem to have no control over my thoughts while in these dreams. I guess there is a morbid curiosity to "solve" the situation and see how it all plays out. Night after night of having these dreams and every time I hear my alarm going off I almost wish myself back to sleep to see how it all ends. Thus far the outcome has been consistently ...bad.

I realize that I am fighting a losing battle. I realize that it was me who broke up with him. I realize that in this scenario it is improbable for myself to emerge victorious and yet I simply can not walk away and move on. WHY????? Why do I continue to do this to myself? I can tell you that I still believe that he wants to be with me and that he loves me. Yet I couldn't tell you why, if this in fact was the case, he isn't with me now... Or why he isn't giving me any answers.

Madam Sakura's Weight Loss Challenge...

Yesterday something occurred to me, an epiphany if you will... I realized that I have been letting my life slip away, endless hours wasted in fromt of either the television or my laptop. I have been known to say on a regular basis that "any time is nap time" as i crawl into bed for an all day snooze... You may ask yourself what is so bad about that? Many of you would commit heinous crimes to be in my postion. I tell you this; a person like myself who lacks the ability to self motivate begins to fall into a rut.

Day in and out, nothing but alone time... Hour after hour life feels like an eternity. There's so much time, yet nothing to do worth doing. The word boredom (as childish as it may sound) comes to mind often. You envision all the fun things you would be doing and buying if only you could remember where you placed your super secret reserve stash of cash, so secret in fact, that you're pretty sure it never existed... Beautiful beaches, lavish restaurants, luxury cars... And before you know it "BAM!" It's already been 2 hours.

I decided yesterday that each day I would set goals and accomplish them without question. Some of my long term goals include losing my spare tire. I am realizing now that simply wishing the extra pounds off does not work! Which means that if I ever intend to achieve this I must be proactive in my approach. This includes eating smarter and initiating some (dreadful...) excercise.

So for the first proactive step toward my weight loss goals I went to good 'ole Wally-World and bought myself a chin-up, sit-up bar. I borrowed some tools from my girlfriends husband and after some grunting and groaning (it was harder that I thought to use a screw gun...) I got the bar installed.

Since it has been operational I have done 20 sit-ups, 5 push-ups and ....(ready for this?!) -1,yes thats right minus 1, pull-ups. I never in a million years would have thought I could not even pull up my own weight once. Talk about self disgust. This is the first time in a long time that I actually feel like I've worked out. Every muscle along my sides, all through my back, my biceps and triceps all sing with that good "workout pain". I have to say that I am excited to find out how long it will be before I can do 5 consecutive pull-ups...

Blogger is broken...

I have been questing for new and interesting blogs via the "next blog" button for a few days now. Typically I spend half an hour or so on this quest. This would tally up to almost 2 hours. I feel like it is a waste as not 1 single blog that I have been directed to has been interesting. Shit, most of them haven't even been in english! Then there is the problem of blogger sending me back to a crappy blog that it has already sent me to...

It would seem to me that the only way to find interesting blogs is the old time tried and true method of visiting people on those whose blogs I already have visited...

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU BLOGGER!!!??? There were at least 20 blogs where women were trying to entice me to watch their sexy show on webcam, more than 50 that weren't even in a language but instead were a full page of question marks interrupted occasionally with an exclamation, a ton of advertising blogs and then the occasional real blog that was written by some 12 yr old who was using lame language that apparently the lame teens use these days.

I am mad at you Blogger... I mean what is THIS?

Very random thoughts...

Sometimes I wonder if I really am crazy...

I contemplate the fall as tears slowly trail down my face...

Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?

Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile. -Pierre Coneille

The greates invention since sliced white bread!

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