These few weeks since I have not been with J have been strange. On many levels I am feeling great. Not being with him has been a huge weight off my chest. The ridiculousness of the situation caused me so much stress, that at times I wonder who I am. When asked if I am a jealous person I have always been able to say no. Me being with him and him still living with her just made my mind run wild and I can now say that YES, I do have some jealousy issues. I have done things, sneaky things that I am not proud of, to try and catch him in a lie... And worse things than that. As the time passes that feeling has abated a bit.
We still see each other a couple times a week, I go to his (their) house and hang out for an hour or so. We aren't together anymore though. This means that I'm single and FREE...But I think that a major part of myself is not ready to admit that we aren't going to be together. I really believed that we were going to be married and have children of our own. I guess I am not ready to give that dream up. I think that this is why I still go see him. He tells me that he loves me. He does not tell me that he wants to be with me. He simply says that he is focusing on work and the arrival of their child. He says he does not know if they are going to get back together. He also says he does not know if we will get back together.
Now I realize that if he loved me as much as he claims that he would be with me now and yet he's not... I see with a degree of clarity the reality of the whole situation. Yet there is a part of me that just will not let go. I dream about him and her and all the bad feelings that I have felt recently plague my mind. Night after night I revisit these feelings. The characters are always the same and the feelings... So intense. In my sleep I can feel the physical effects that are taking place in my body in response to what is going on in my head and heart. My pulse quickens, I toss and turn, I feel like my stomach is dropping out of my gut. It is not only intense but also frustrating as I seem to have no control over my thoughts while in these dreams. I guess there is a morbid curiosity to "solve" the situation and see how it all plays out. Night after night of having these dreams and every time I hear my alarm going off I almost wish myself back to sleep to see how it all ends. Thus far the outcome has been consistently ...bad.
I realize that I am fighting a losing battle. I realize that it was me who broke up with him. I realize that in this scenario it is improbable for myself to emerge victorious and yet I simply can not walk away and move on. WHY????? Why do I continue to do this to myself? I can tell you that I still believe that he wants to be with me and that he loves me. Yet I couldn't tell you why, if this in fact was the case, he isn't with me now... Or why he isn't giving me any answers.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
Madam Sakura's Weight Loss Challenge...
Yesterday something occurred to me, an epiphany if you will... I realized that I have been letting my life slip away, endless hours wasted in fromt of either the television or my laptop. I have been known to say on a regular basis that "any time is nap time" as i crawl into bed for an all day snooze... You may ask yourself what is so bad about that? Many of you would commit heinous crimes to be in my postion. I tell you this; a person like myself who lacks the ability to self motivate begins to fall into a rut.
Day in and out, nothing but alone time... Hour after hour life feels like an eternity. There's so much time, yet nothing to do worth doing. The word boredom (as childish as it may sound) comes to mind often. You envision all the fun things you would be doing and buying if only you could remember where you placed your super secret reserve stash of cash, so secret in fact, that you're pretty sure it never existed... Beautiful beaches, lavish restaurants, luxury cars... And before you know it "BAM!" It's already been 2 hours.
I decided yesterday that each day I would set goals and accomplish them without question. Some of my long term goals include losing my spare tire. I am realizing now that simply wishing the extra pounds off does not work! Which means that if I ever intend to achieve this I must be proactive in my approach. This includes eating smarter and initiating some (dreadful...) excercise.
So for the first proactive step toward my weight loss goals I went to good 'ole Wally-World and bought myself a chin-up, sit-up bar. I borrowed some tools from my girlfriends husband and after some grunting and groaning (it was harder that I thought to use a screw gun...) I got the bar installed.
Since it has been operational I have done 20 sit-ups, 5 push-ups and ....(ready for this?!) -1,yes thats right minus 1, pull-ups. I never in a million years would have thought I could not even pull up my own weight once. Talk about self disgust. This is the first time in a long time that I actually feel like I've worked out. Every muscle along my sides, all through my back, my biceps and triceps all sing with that good "workout pain". I have to say that I am excited to find out how long it will be before I can do 5 consecutive pull-ups...
Day in and out, nothing but alone time... Hour after hour life feels like an eternity. There's so much time, yet nothing to do worth doing. The word boredom (as childish as it may sound) comes to mind often. You envision all the fun things you would be doing and buying if only you could remember where you placed your super secret reserve stash of cash, so secret in fact, that you're pretty sure it never existed... Beautiful beaches, lavish restaurants, luxury cars... And before you know it "BAM!" It's already been 2 hours.
I decided yesterday that each day I would set goals and accomplish them without question. Some of my long term goals include losing my spare tire. I am realizing now that simply wishing the extra pounds off does not work! Which means that if I ever intend to achieve this I must be proactive in my approach. This includes eating smarter and initiating some (dreadful...) excercise.
So for the first proactive step toward my weight loss goals I went to good 'ole Wally-World and bought myself a chin-up, sit-up bar. I borrowed some tools from my girlfriends husband and after some grunting and groaning (it was harder that I thought to use a screw gun...) I got the bar installed.
Since it has been operational I have done 20 sit-ups, 5 push-ups and ....(ready for this?!) -1,yes thats right minus 1, pull-ups. I never in a million years would have thought I could not even pull up my own weight once. Talk about self disgust. This is the first time in a long time that I actually feel like I've worked out. Every muscle along my sides, all through my back, my biceps and triceps all sing with that good "workout pain". I have to say that I am excited to find out how long it will be before I can do 5 consecutive pull-ups...
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Blogger is broken...
I have been questing for new and interesting blogs via the "next blog" button for a few days now. Typically I spend half an hour or so on this quest. This would tally up to almost 2 hours. I feel like it is a waste as not 1 single blog that I have been directed to has been interesting. Shit, most of them haven't even been in english! Then there is the problem of blogger sending me back to a crappy blog that it has already sent me to...
It would seem to me that the only way to find interesting blogs is the old time tried and true method of visiting people on those whose blogs I already have visited...
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU BLOGGER!!!??? There were at least 20 blogs where women were trying to entice me to watch their sexy show on webcam, more than 50 that weren't even in a language but instead were a full page of question marks interrupted occasionally with an exclamation, a ton of advertising blogs and then the occasional real blog that was written by some 12 yr old who was using lame language that apparently the lame teens use these days.
I am mad at you Blogger... I mean what is THIS?
It would seem to me that the only way to find interesting blogs is the old time tried and true method of visiting people on those whose blogs I already have visited...
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU BLOGGER!!!??? There were at least 20 blogs where women were trying to entice me to watch their sexy show on webcam, more than 50 that weren't even in a language but instead were a full page of question marks interrupted occasionally with an exclamation, a ton of advertising blogs and then the occasional real blog that was written by some 12 yr old who was using lame language that apparently the lame teens use these days.
I am mad at you Blogger... I mean what is THIS?
Friday, August 3, 2007
Very random thoughts...
Sometimes I wonder if I really am crazy...
I contemplate the fall as tears slowly trail down my face...
Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile. -Pierre Coneille
I contemplate the fall as tears slowly trail down my face...
Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?
Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile. -Pierre Coneille
The greates invention since sliced white bread!
Ok, so the Stumble Upon tool bar is simply the greatest thing to happen to the internet.... EVER! Even better than that is the Stumble Porn add on....! It's AWSOME DUDES!
Monday, July 30, 2007
This marks day 2
Today is the second day in a row that I have cried. This may not seem strange to you, but I never cry... Really. The last time I cried was almost a year ago. I mean, well, it's almost never...
There has been alot going on in my life these past few weeks that I imagine would elicit tears from even the most hardened of hearts. I currently live almost 3,000 miles away from any of my family and that is perhaps the hardest to deal with. It wouldn't be so bad if my entire family didn't live by the principle "out of sight, out of mind"... And yes, this includes my own mother.
My whole life I always felt like an outcast when it came to my relatives and so this shouldn't really bother me, considering that it isn't like they are acting any different toward me than they ever did. I think the most troubling circumstance is that for a better part of this year I have made an almost excruciating effort to reconnect with them. I made it a point to call all 3 of my cousins every Sunday. What I said to them was that I realized that family is the only thing that matters and that I need them, even if it's for a 5 minute conversation, seeing as I live so far away and have nobody here for me. Initially they would talk to me for awhile. Then after a couple of weeks, all of them stopped answering the phone. So, I would leave a short but sweet message simply saying that I was thinking about them and for them to call me whenever they got a chance. Not one of them ever returned my calls once... So here we are months later and I have given up. I will go weeks without hearing from my mother despite my numerous attempts weekly to say hello, and months without hearing from my aunts. My cousins... Well, let's just say that initally when I began calling them it was the first time we had spoken on the phone since we were children...
That is not really the main reason for my tears tonight though. Tonight my pain comes from another person, someone who I love dearly. That someone is my now ex-boyfriend. He is my ex because our relationship has been peppered with so much drama and anguish that it has become clear to me that we can never work together as a team. I will always resent the ties that he has to his ex and their child... Well let me backtrack for just a second here because if I am going to tell this story, I want to be sure to get the facts straight.
I have known Him for a little over 10 years now as a great friend. He was in fact, a great friend to me and my ex-husband. After the divorce (which is going on almost 2 years now) He and I became closer friends. You see as I mentioned earlier I moved away from all of my family with my ex-hubby and have nobody here. It was a difficult time for me because I had been with hubby for almost 10 years. He was one of those "macho men", handled all the bills and finances, fixed our cars.... He did EVERYTHING> The man didn't know how to relax. So for the first time in my life I was responsible for myself in many ways that I never had been before, plus I was sad for the end of our relationship...But I digress....
At the time He was in a relationship with his long term girlfriend who also moved out here. It was plain to me in a short while that He had feelings for me, which I felt wrong about considering his situation. Back in February she got pregnant, to this news He was exstatic. A few weeks into her pregnancy he professed his love for me. Initially my mind cried out "This is wrong and will never work!" But my heart was weak. I needed to feel loved...
We had many discussions about the possibilities and he somehow convinced me that it was me that he wanted. The plan was that he would live with her until a few months after the baby was born and then he would move in with me. He would sleep in his own room though and other than financially help her through, he was mine. He told her that he didn't want to be with her anymore and that he was now with me. At first it seemed to work. She and I formed a strange sisterhood that somehow melded very nicely.
As time progressed though I saw no real difference in their relationship and began to grow suspicious. He was, after all, still sleeping in her bed with her... At first he spent 5 nights a week here at my place. I began doing his laundry and cooking meals. But I quickly began to get resentful as he was literally handing his entire paychecks to her, leaving me to feel like a sugar momma. I live alone in a 3 bedroom house that I can barely afford to live in with a handful of pets that I can barely feed... How am I supposed to feed another mouth with no extra money...?
It just went spiraling from there. He has proved to me over and over again that when I do need him, he is incapable of supporting my needs. I have felt lately that I am supposed to keep waiting around for him to finally move on from her... It just doesn't feel right. I think that it never will. So, I broke up with him.
I think that he was a bit taken aback by it, but nonetheless it needed to be done. It's what is right for me and him and her, and even the baby. I think that they will patch things up and perhaps be stronger that even before, because I know that she still loves him and wants to be a family. I deserve to be someone's number 1, not 3.
I almost laugh when I think how our conversation ended with him telling me that I am so selfish, because I have been under the impression that I have allowed many things to slide that I never would have if not for the circumstances. He basically has given me nothing to prove to me that he can be useful in my life. It has been 3 months now that I've asked him to wash my car. He would never take out the garbage without being asked. I spent money on clothes for him when I have no money for myself and he has 2 incomes in his household. He has never offered to help me financially, even if it were $25 a week to help pay for groceries. I am a strong independant woman and he has given me further proof that I do not need anyone.
While there is a big part of me that is in mourning for our friendship, my sensible half is quite relieved. I think that I have been holding myself back because I knew that if allowed growth, we would grow apart. But being the woman that I am, I can not be happy with mediocrity from myself. If I am not ever evolving I get depressed and seem to lose my lust for life.
I swore to myself at the end of my marriage that I would never settle again. I intend to keep that promise....
There has been alot going on in my life these past few weeks that I imagine would elicit tears from even the most hardened of hearts. I currently live almost 3,000 miles away from any of my family and that is perhaps the hardest to deal with. It wouldn't be so bad if my entire family didn't live by the principle "out of sight, out of mind"... And yes, this includes my own mother.
My whole life I always felt like an outcast when it came to my relatives and so this shouldn't really bother me, considering that it isn't like they are acting any different toward me than they ever did. I think the most troubling circumstance is that for a better part of this year I have made an almost excruciating effort to reconnect with them. I made it a point to call all 3 of my cousins every Sunday. What I said to them was that I realized that family is the only thing that matters and that I need them, even if it's for a 5 minute conversation, seeing as I live so far away and have nobody here for me. Initially they would talk to me for awhile. Then after a couple of weeks, all of them stopped answering the phone. So, I would leave a short but sweet message simply saying that I was thinking about them and for them to call me whenever they got a chance. Not one of them ever returned my calls once... So here we are months later and I have given up. I will go weeks without hearing from my mother despite my numerous attempts weekly to say hello, and months without hearing from my aunts. My cousins... Well, let's just say that initally when I began calling them it was the first time we had spoken on the phone since we were children...
That is not really the main reason for my tears tonight though. Tonight my pain comes from another person, someone who I love dearly. That someone is my now ex-boyfriend. He is my ex because our relationship has been peppered with so much drama and anguish that it has become clear to me that we can never work together as a team. I will always resent the ties that he has to his ex and their child... Well let me backtrack for just a second here because if I am going to tell this story, I want to be sure to get the facts straight.
I have known Him for a little over 10 years now as a great friend. He was in fact, a great friend to me and my ex-husband. After the divorce (which is going on almost 2 years now) He and I became closer friends. You see as I mentioned earlier I moved away from all of my family with my ex-hubby and have nobody here. It was a difficult time for me because I had been with hubby for almost 10 years. He was one of those "macho men", handled all the bills and finances, fixed our cars.... He did EVERYTHING> The man didn't know how to relax. So for the first time in my life I was responsible for myself in many ways that I never had been before, plus I was sad for the end of our relationship...But I digress....
At the time He was in a relationship with his long term girlfriend who also moved out here. It was plain to me in a short while that He had feelings for me, which I felt wrong about considering his situation. Back in February she got pregnant, to this news He was exstatic. A few weeks into her pregnancy he professed his love for me. Initially my mind cried out "This is wrong and will never work!" But my heart was weak. I needed to feel loved...
We had many discussions about the possibilities and he somehow convinced me that it was me that he wanted. The plan was that he would live with her until a few months after the baby was born and then he would move in with me. He would sleep in his own room though and other than financially help her through, he was mine. He told her that he didn't want to be with her anymore and that he was now with me. At first it seemed to work. She and I formed a strange sisterhood that somehow melded very nicely.
As time progressed though I saw no real difference in their relationship and began to grow suspicious. He was, after all, still sleeping in her bed with her... At first he spent 5 nights a week here at my place. I began doing his laundry and cooking meals. But I quickly began to get resentful as he was literally handing his entire paychecks to her, leaving me to feel like a sugar momma. I live alone in a 3 bedroom house that I can barely afford to live in with a handful of pets that I can barely feed... How am I supposed to feed another mouth with no extra money...?
It just went spiraling from there. He has proved to me over and over again that when I do need him, he is incapable of supporting my needs. I have felt lately that I am supposed to keep waiting around for him to finally move on from her... It just doesn't feel right. I think that it never will. So, I broke up with him.
I think that he was a bit taken aback by it, but nonetheless it needed to be done. It's what is right for me and him and her, and even the baby. I think that they will patch things up and perhaps be stronger that even before, because I know that she still loves him and wants to be a family. I deserve to be someone's number 1, not 3.
I almost laugh when I think how our conversation ended with him telling me that I am so selfish, because I have been under the impression that I have allowed many things to slide that I never would have if not for the circumstances. He basically has given me nothing to prove to me that he can be useful in my life. It has been 3 months now that I've asked him to wash my car. He would never take out the garbage without being asked. I spent money on clothes for him when I have no money for myself and he has 2 incomes in his household. He has never offered to help me financially, even if it were $25 a week to help pay for groceries. I am a strong independant woman and he has given me further proof that I do not need anyone.
While there is a big part of me that is in mourning for our friendship, my sensible half is quite relieved. I think that I have been holding myself back because I knew that if allowed growth, we would grow apart. But being the woman that I am, I can not be happy with mediocrity from myself. If I am not ever evolving I get depressed and seem to lose my lust for life.
I swore to myself at the end of my marriage that I would never settle again. I intend to keep that promise....
Where does a rogue such as myself fit in?
Lately I have been left to wonder where exactly it is that I fit in. At times I feel like the answer to this question is nowhere...
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