This marks day 2

Today is the second day in a row that I have cried. This may not seem strange to you, but I never cry... Really. The last time I cried was almost a year ago. I mean, well, it's almost never...

There has been alot going on in my life these past few weeks that I imagine would elicit tears from even the most hardened of hearts. I currently live almost 3,000 miles away from any of my family and that is perhaps the hardest to deal with. It wouldn't be so bad if my entire family didn't live by the principle "out of sight, out of mind"... And yes, this includes my own mother.

My whole life I always felt like an outcast when it came to my relatives and so this shouldn't really bother me, considering that it isn't like they are acting any different toward me than they ever did. I think the most troubling circumstance is that for a better part of this year I have made an almost excruciating effort to reconnect with them. I made it a point to call all 3 of my cousins every Sunday. What I said to them was that I realized that family is the only thing that matters and that I need them, even if it's for a 5 minute conversation, seeing as I live so far away and have nobody here for me. Initially they would talk to me for awhile. Then after a couple of weeks, all of them stopped answering the phone. So, I would leave a short but sweet message simply saying that I was thinking about them and for them to call me whenever they got a chance. Not one of them ever returned my calls once... So here we are months later and I have given up. I will go weeks without hearing from my mother despite my numerous attempts weekly to say hello, and months without hearing from my aunts. My cousins... Well, let's just say that initally when I began calling them it was the first time we had spoken on the phone since we were children...

That is not really the main reason for my tears tonight though. Tonight my pain comes from another person, someone who I love dearly. That someone is my now ex-boyfriend. He is my ex because our relationship has been peppered with so much drama and anguish that it has become clear to me that we can never work together as a team. I will always resent the ties that he has to his ex and their child... Well let me backtrack for just a second here because if I am going to tell this story, I want to be sure to get the facts straight.

I have known Him for a little over 10 years now as a great friend. He was in fact, a great friend to me and my ex-husband. After the divorce (which is going on almost 2 years now) He and I became closer friends. You see as I mentioned earlier I moved away from all of my family with my ex-hubby and have nobody here. It was a difficult time for me because I had been with hubby for almost 10 years. He was one of those "macho men", handled all the bills and finances, fixed our cars.... He did EVERYTHING> The man didn't know how to relax. So for the first time in my life I was responsible for myself in many ways that I never had been before, plus I was sad for the end of our relationship...But I digress....

At the time He was in a relationship with his long term girlfriend who also moved out here. It was plain to me in a short while that He had feelings for me, which I felt wrong about considering his situation. Back in February she got pregnant, to this news He was exstatic. A few weeks into her pregnancy he professed his love for me. Initially my mind cried out "This is wrong and will never work!" But my heart was weak. I needed to feel loved...

We had many discussions about the possibilities and he somehow convinced me that it was me that he wanted. The plan was that he would live with her until a few months after the baby was born and then he would move in with me. He would sleep in his own room though and other than financially help her through, he was mine. He told her that he didn't want to be with her anymore and that he was now with me. At first it seemed to work. She and I formed a strange sisterhood that somehow melded very nicely.

As time progressed though I saw no real difference in their relationship and began to grow suspicious. He was, after all, still sleeping in her bed with her... At first he spent 5 nights a week here at my place. I began doing his laundry and cooking meals. But I quickly began to get resentful as he was literally handing his entire paychecks to her, leaving me to feel like a sugar momma. I live alone in a 3 bedroom house that I can barely afford to live in with a handful of pets that I can barely feed... How am I supposed to feed another mouth with no extra money...?

It just went spiraling from there. He has proved to me over and over again that when I do need him, he is incapable of supporting my needs. I have felt lately that I am supposed to keep waiting around for him to finally move on from her... It just doesn't feel right. I think that it never will. So, I broke up with him.

I think that he was a bit taken aback by it, but nonetheless it needed to be done. It's what is right for me and him and her, and even the baby. I think that they will patch things up and perhaps be stronger that even before, because I know that she still loves him and wants to be a family. I deserve to be someone's number 1, not 3.

I almost laugh when I think how our conversation ended with him telling me that I am so selfish, because I have been under the impression that I have allowed many things to slide that I never would have if not for the circumstances. He basically has given me nothing to prove to me that he can be useful in my life. It has been 3 months now that I've asked him to wash my car. He would never take out the garbage without being asked. I spent money on clothes for him when I have no money for myself and he has 2 incomes in his household. He has never offered to help me financially, even if it were $25 a week to help pay for groceries. I am a strong independant woman and he has given me further proof that I do not need anyone.

While there is a big part of me that is in mourning for our friendship, my sensible half is quite relieved. I think that I have been holding myself back because I knew that if allowed growth, we would grow apart. But being the woman that I am, I can not be happy with mediocrity from myself. If I am not ever evolving I get depressed and seem to lose my lust for life.

I swore to myself at the end of my marriage that I would never settle again. I intend to keep that promise....